Monday, December 25, 2023

To my future husband/wife

I am a delicate soul; you will notice it from the very beginning. I do not show my affection at start but please bear with me; I need time to sort my thoughts, to breathe correctly, to talk without trembling and to smile without breaking down into multiple little tears.

My aggressiveness is just a defensive response, I am broken inside and still rebuilding myself. I can not let anyone in even when I know I can trust them…or can I?

Will you hold me into your arms and squeeze hard enough for me to feel you but not hard to the point that I break? Will you hold my hand and lead me to the end of the tunnel when I arrive at night and can hardly see? Will you stay by my side when I weep, weep, miss myself, and lose myself repeatedly? Will you show me love when I can hardly feel?

Will you watch me break myself again accidentally and help me pick up the pieces I broke?

Will you pray to God that I find grace?

Do I make you smile? Laugh? Feel Warm? Cherished?


Saturday, November 11, 2023

Godhood

     I think God doesn't exist, or rather i think that God is not what we have been taught it to be. i believe that there are gods and that we can be gods and go beyond our humanity. The notion that God is this omniscient being and our creator is for my part ridiculous. In Abrahamic religions, God knows everything, but he also gave us free will, but also our entire life has been written before even existing. But it simply cannot be all that at once. If we have free will then our futur is not decided and if God is omniscient then we in fact do not have free will. god cannot know everything but also test us because it would already know what the result of that test will be. It also never manifested itself, we have never seen God, we only heard of it. you can tell me to look around and ask me to explain how the world exists if the world does not have a creator and i can tell you that it simply is, and you would think it is stupid but if I ask you who created God you would give me the same answer, simply it makes more sense for you. The world is perfect, and by world i mean nature, and nature never dies, it also exists and reborn each time so we could consider nature to be God. 

    this is not an essay but a stream of consciousness and i promise you i will make sense so please bear with me. 

    We are powerful beings, so close to what we call gods. only our bodies grow old but our souls -i believe- live forever. We have immense powers we deny, if I told you that I could shape my dream reality and make miracles just like Jesus did in his time would you believe me? of course not. But as long as i believe it, it can be reality. Belief is a very mighty tool we have, and we never learned the use of it. what if the simple belief that Jesus was God and therefore himself believing he is (son of God and therefore a God himself) made him be so?
We have to understand that our bodies are but vessels and the power of the soul -or consciousness- is a greater power than what we believe it to be. 

    If the Abrahamic god is in fact real (which I choose not to believe), then God is evil. What good god would punish the whole humanity for the sins of but one human being? if God is omniscient, then he knew that the devil would deceive Eve, and he knew Eve and Adam would sin, therefore he could have prevented it. If Adam and Eve did not know the difference between good and evil, how would they know that eating an apple was bad and would anger God? 
What I mean is that God could have saved us from the beginning. but he chose to punish us and let the humanity suffer. If the Abrahamic God is real then he is the true evil, because why would he stay silent when war and death and assaults are everywhere at our time? why wouldn't he help us, if he loves us, why would he let us suffer....
Again, the belief of it being testing our faith in him is ridiculous. “God, why did you make my life a great suffering from the very beginning? Why test me with these horrible life-threatening assaults and never answer my prayers? 
Patience my dear...
Heaven is waiting for you. 
But I am sinning, every day. By loving other human beings, by hating some, by talking lustfully, by cussing, by drinking and by eating....and most importantly, by denying god's existence.”
    if the Abrahamic god is real, then he heard the weeping of the children, their despair and their prayers and chose to let them suffer. 

    And i refuse to believe that God is evil.

    And after all, if the Abrahamic god is real then i hope he will have enough mercy on me to let me go to heaven, and not let me burn in hell. 
if the Abrahamic god is real then i hope he will kneel and beg for my forgiveness.