Monday, April 29, 2024

puddle of temper


 My thoughts and feelings are a puddle of constant fear and confusion and sadness and madness and melancholia. I am sick when I feel happy. You’re eating me alive every time I dare to put a genuine smile onto my face, you skin me open before taking my flesh out slowly until the pain numbs my soul and my erratic weeping stops.

And god if you are real, I wish you would put me to rest in a land where all the sinners were punished one too many times. I don’t need her anymore, she taught me to hate myself to the bone, she has eaten my blooming fruits, I am all rotten inside. 

You ate all my flesh, only the bones I have are what is left of the memory of my existence. My soul has been watching you feed yourself with my body for a long time and she’s waiting patiently for her turn to come. Somehow she is crying for the pain I feel

Maybe the rain is her tears coming from heaven, perhaps god felt enough mercy to send her there. 

Or perhaps god heard my prayers and sent her to the land where the sinners were punished too many times. 

Monday, December 25, 2023

To my future husband/wife

I am a delicate soul; you will notice it from the very beginning. I do not show my affection at start but please bear with me; I need time to sort my thoughts, to breathe correctly, to talk without trembling and to smile without breaking down into multiple little tears.

My aggressiveness is just a defensive response, I am broken inside and still rebuilding myself. I can not let anyone in even when I know I can trust them…or can I?

Will you hold me into your arms and squeeze hard enough for me to feel you but not hard to the point that I break? Will you hold my hand and lead me to the end of the tunnel when I arrive at night and can hardly see? Will you stay by my side when I weep, weep, miss myself, and lose myself repeatedly? Will you show me love when I can hardly feel?

Will you watch me break myself again accidentally and help me pick up the pieces I broke?

Will you pray to God that I find grace?

Do I make you smile? Laugh? Feel Warm? Cherished?