To my future husband/wife

I am a delicate soul; you will notice it from the very beginning. I do not show my affection at start but please bear with me; I need time to sort my thoughts, to breathe correctly, to talk without trembling and to smile without breaking down into multiple little tears.

My aggressiveness is just a defensive response, I am broken inside and still rebuilding myself. I can not let anyone in even when I know I can trust them…or can I?

Will you hold me into your arms and squeeze hard enough for me to feel you but not hard to the point that I break? Will you hold my hand and lead me to the end of the tunnel when I arrive at night and can hardly see? Will you stay by my side when I weep, weep, miss myself, and lose myself repeatedly? Will you show me love when I can hardly feel?

Will you watch me break myself again accidentally and help me pick up the pieces I broke?

Will you pray to God that I find grace?

Do I make you smile? Laugh? Feel Warm? Cherished?

Godhood

     I think God doesn't exist, or rather i think that God is not what we have been taught it to be. i believe that there are gods and that we can be gods and go beyond our humanity. The notion that God is this omniscient being and our creator is for my part ridiculous. In Abrahamic religions, God knows everything, but he also gave us free will, but also our entire life has been written before even existing. But it simply cannot be all that at once. If we have free will then our futur is not decided and if God is omniscient then we in fact do not have free will. god cannot know everything but also test us because it would already know what the result of that test will be. It also never manifested itself, we have never seen God, we only heard of it. you can tell me to look around and ask me to explain how the world exists if the world does not have a creator and i can tell you that it simply is, and you would think it is stupid but if I ask you who created God you would give me the same answer, simply it makes more sense for you. The world is perfect, and by world i mean nature, and nature never dies, it also exists and reborn each time so we could consider nature to be God. 

    this is not an essay but a stream of consciousness and i promise you i will make sense so please bear with me. 

    We are powerful beings, so close to what we call gods. only our bodies grow old but our souls -i believe- live forever. We have immense powers we deny, if I told you that I could shape my dream reality and make miracles just like Jesus did in his time would you believe me? of course not. But as long as i believe it, it can be reality. Belief is a very mighty tool we have, and we never learned the use of it. what if the simple belief that Jesus was God and therefore himself believing he is (son of God and therefore a God himself) made him be so?

We have to understand that our bodies are but vessels and the power of the soul -or consciousness- is a greater power than what we believe it to be. 

    If the Abrahamic god is in fact real (which I choose not to believe), then God is evil. What good god would punish the whole humanity for the sins of but one human being? if God is omniscient, then he knew that the devil would deceive Eve, and he knew Eve and Adam would sin, therefore he could have prevented it. If Adam and Eve did not know the difference between good and evil, how would they know that eating an apple was bad and would anger God? 

What I mean is that God could have saved us from the beginning. but he chose to punish us and let the humanity suffer. If the Abrahamic God is real then he is the true evil, because why would he stay silent when war and death and assaults are everywhere at our time? why wouldn't he help us, if he loves us, why would he let us suffer....

Again, the belief of it being testing our faith in him is ridiculous. “God, why did you make my life a great suffering from the very beginning? Why test me with these horrible life-threatening assaults and never answer my prayers? 

Patience my dear...

Heaven is waiting for you. 

But I am sinning, every day. By loving other human beings, by hating some, by talking lustfully, by cussing, by drinking and by eating....and most importantly, by denying god's existence.”

    if the Abrahamic god is real, then he heard the weeping of the children, their despair and their prayers and chose to let them suffer. 

    And i refuse to believe that God is evil.

    And after all, if the Abrahamic god is real then i hope he will have enough mercy on me to let me go to heaven, and not let me burn in hell. 

if the Abrahamic god is real then i hope he will kneel and beg for my forgiveness. 

Beyond the end

 Most people if not all are terrified of death. I am no exception. 
i have the crippling fear of my life coming to end.

      

Yet she attracts me. - death, i mean. - 
I wish to experience her as a whole.

Death is silent and loud, bright and dark. like the sun, i wish to come closer to her and burn, I want to become death herself. 

She is peace yet she is rage, she is end yet she is beginning, she is the suffering of the living and the grief of the lover. she is the guilt of the murderer, and she is the silence of the deceased. 

I need to die so i can reborn,
not as a human, or spirit, but as a God. 

After death come the devine, after the weeping, and screaming, and death again, and death, and death, and death... 

The dead babies become angels, and the dead grown souls become gods. 

The dead animals become nature, and nature never dies. 

Nature created life, and life created death, and death created gods. 

And gods are worshipped because they lived, for living is the biggest tragedy of all. 

Existing as a woman is a rebellion.

What is a woman without a man? What is a free woman ? And can we affirm that women in our modern world are truly free? 

  The simple act of existing freely as a woman is seen as a rebellion in this society, and by free I mean not basing her entire existence around men and how to please them. 

  Women’s rights have been discussed for centuries, and are still an on going discussion excluding women themselves from it. (for instance: in Afghanistan, women don’t have the right for an education anymore, and in the United States, abortion is now illegal in some of the states.) We sexualise her, objectify her, we deprive her of her humanity and treat her like an animal. A woman is never seen as what she is and who is she, a simple human being. 

We could clearly see how much women are oppressed nowadays, if the world wasn’t purposefully blind. We shame them for enjoying their time on earth, we dismiss them, we silence them, we ruin them psychologically, We question their opinions, and their choices, we assault them, physically, verbally or both and blame them for it… These are just a few exemples on how oppression towards women is still present. 

The women of the past fought for the ones of today, for them to have rights as human beings and to be free from oppression, and while the fruit of their efforts have payed, and gave women a better life, we still have a long way to go from finding true freedom. The assault that we face daily are just but one exemple out of many that men use to remind us of how much the world hates women, that the world we live in is still theirs, and that we are only viewed through their gaze. 

 When I say men, I do mean all men. Even the ones who  stays silent, especially the ones who stay silent. They maybe are not the ones assaulting but they surely are benefiting from the ones that do, so they certainly don’t condemn them. They are the ones questioning a woman’s sincerity, how many times did we hear statements such as « he would never do that », « he’s still my friend » and « it is none of my business »? This highlights how much a woman’s voice is muffled, and is questioned before being believed, and how little empathy men have towards the victims. They will also use the argument of fake accusation knowing very well that the statistic shows that less than 1% of the claims made by sexual assault victims are fake. Statistics also shows that one in three woman is victim of assault in her life, and that 98% of the assaulters are men. But they do not care about the statistics. In fact they are very well aware of the truth but choose to instead dismiss it. 

To respond clearly to the questions asked in the beginning: A woman without a man is simply a woman, a human being with a body and mind, with thoughts and ideas, with opinions and dreams, with urges,… just a simple human being. 

A free woman as of today, is a woman who doesn’t center her life around men, and thinks freely, she is provocative, affirm and validates her opinions, she is passionate about her dreams, she does not worry on how the world views her because she already knows, she is feared, because she has freed herself from the patriarchal and sexist ideas that the world has put into our minds. 

Unfortunately, women in this society are not free, their souls and bodies are still imprisoned in the very core of the patriarchy. Like I said earlier, men are going out of their ways to make sure the world is still theirs, and moreover, misogynistic behaviours are still present between women, since we have incorporated it so deeply in our lives, and in our way of thinking that it is easier for women to accept misogyny as the way of things than to question why we are so mean and cruel towards our own kind and notice the injustices. 

I could go on and on as to why women in this modern society are still oppressed, but I will only say this: to you dear reader, reading this essay (more a stream of consciousness than essay honestly)  with knitted eyebrows and an angry face, open your eyes, and start seeing the world as it really is. 

To conclude, I do not think, I do not suppose, I do not express an opinion, I know, and I’m expressing facts, that the world is not ready to acknowledge. 

Wecome!!

 I am very new at this, I have had a blog when i was around 12yo or younger but I never really knew how it worked (it was an msp blog btw) I am now here again with the decision of sharing my writings and my silly (morbid) little thoughts, I hope you'll have a good time here !!